Hunger... Something that governs more or less everything... More, than less...

Effects everyone... probably except Baba Ramdev and his kind... Affects everything... of course keeping in mind the various forms of hunger, not just the base one in relation to the complicated system involved with the functioning of the human body... which was what I was a victim of last night...like most nights... and days... and afternoons... and evenings... dawn, dusk, twilight, midnight, you know the vein...

But being indulgent and proportionately lazy, I decided to fall back on the one of the popular consumerist invaders of the Indian food culture... Home Delivered Pizza... Although a big fan of anything with cheese (Even Shahrukh Khan dancing to promote his band of golden helmetted warriors) the Indianised versions of the Italian eat do seem a bit dubious and over ambitious, but whatever... If it can be eaten, then I eat.

I have ordered Pizzas before... I'm sure two sixth of urban population has ordered a pizza over the phone... And I believe I am quite proficient at this business of ordering for stuff- not that I'm spoilt, keeping the fact aside, even If I am. But this one pizza , made me earn it...

No... Its no longer as easy as picking up your phone, dialing a number and asking the polite stranger at the other end to send some life sustaining food and beverages to your doorstep... No it isn't, as I found out for myself... You have to be prepared for a deluge of pleasantaries and other lines learnt by heart and shot off at you at speeds MIGS will have to reckon with... Quite bewildering... enough to make you forget what you were making the call for... If that wasn't enough you have to deal with questions that seem obscenely personal, bombarded at you in a very indifferent manner, but then you realise its just an appropriately food related question which sounded wierd just because all your attention wasn't directed at the one point of concentration- the painfully polite person, following his training and rattling off amusingly flowery small talk, in the tone of the Impaled in a hurry to give up on Life...

Sometimes I'm lost for words... I don't know whom to pity... The order-taker, Me, my poor rumbling stomach or the neighbour I see drying clothes through the window...

It took me 9 minutes to place one order... While another person could've done it nine times over in the same amount of time... Is it a shortcoming on my part? I don't know... but the "event" did have me pulling my wavy locks off in frustration... yes... it was frustrating enough for me to blog about it... Funnily enough, a customer care personnel called me a moment ago to enquire about my Pizza experience... If only you knew, woman...

You know what else is Blog worthy...?

A strange request... A very, Very Strange request... From a member of the kind of Adam... For a curious article of feminine use... Not even a transvestite could want it... or need it... and I thought I knew him very well and nothing about him could surprise me anymore... You can't trust anything anymore and I'm not one to prod... Hell, if I could spend this much time over an epic order for pizza, then I'm no one to have problems with anyone else's quirkiness... or maybe he was just stashing away for a lady friend on a rainy day... I would say, that's very considerate... But I'm extremely amused... at the embarrasment I can cause just by the default of belonging to a sex.

And I have my own bone to pick with the service industry, which isn't making my life as easy as it evidently intends to...It just adds to the troubles of life... amusing, new, intriguing ones...

Yesterday, I watched a movie.

A Momentous, monumental, memorable movie... (pardon the mediocre misplaced mindless, needless superfluous alliteration-here I am trying to sound smart, although I do know what Superfluous means)

It was called 'The Awakening' and awaken me, it did and quite effectively too, to the vast possibilities and immense power of the media of celluloid.

Possibilities and Power of entertainment, education and irony... unexpected but very plausible...

Entertainment I did find in the most unlikely fashion and maybe a better person would be a teeny weeny bit ashamed, but I'm not that better person and I'll tell you its quite an entertaining, if not extremely tough and thus admirable job to keep you laughing through 130 minutes and for the next two weeks, with of course hospitalization because of internal lacerations from broken ribs.

Its amazing how anyone can get away with any kind of sub-standard dung with money and connections... and of course the necessary tools... but I think this venture had purpose, a cause, maybe some kind of good intentions.... but still good intentions can't buy you pardon for wasting precious film reel... There have been other ventures that I know of, undertaken just on a whim of some rich kid who wanted to do something just because he/she could with all the money that had been weighing them down... Yes, the world is plagued with talentless wretches and also with talented wretches who won't do anything with what they have just because they have been waiting for the right opportunity, or believe some thing's been holding them back... I know such people too... I live with one...

Although, I'm not advocating anyone, but from personal experience, I can say that talent depends a lot on the economic aspect of the individual to gain exposure and acceptance and be appreciated... Poor quality also happens to tag along a beginning talent. This of course being on the external technical side...like a movie which has been a pauper's dream, a talented pauper at that... Okay ... now I am advocating and taking sides... its only because I cannot afford to be impartial at this juncture, on this topic... although I can be, (I'll be anything you want me to be and convincingly)
I choose not to.... I have too much of the 'common man' in me and am a tad bit too emotional for that...

If only vision and talent could be Willed to you by your Grandfather and the family attorney could get it to you without it having to go through the escrow...

Still... That was one of the best movie experiences I've had... Made me think a lot and laugh a lot more... :)

Criminal Instincts

April 5, 2008

Violence found a curious and unlikely expression in me...

I threatened my doctor today... with homicide...

Yeah...but there wasn't much of a hint of terror than a minor change in the setting of his eye brows. They went from severely knotted to slightly knotted... you'd think he got such agitated patients and threats everyday... but have to hand it to the man for keeping his cool and having a li'l chat with me... at the end of it, all that feeling of confused anger, guilt and violence was Justified and I finally felt good about it... Yes, good about wanting to kill somebody... violently... giving them a bloody end...bludgeoning them to death... This is a warning to everyone... DO NOT PISS ME OFF.
Of course the incident which made my 'Hulk' emerge was not a trivial one... it isn't easy to have tubes going in and out of you and keeping up a calm and relaxed countenance... I'm only human after all. Although I had turned into something other than a fully evolved human being for a period of a day or two, I'm happy I went through that... I found me telling myself that this could possibly be the worst thing to happen to me... and I don't need to fear anything... but then I realised Life has a lot more to offer, there might be worse things out there...there are...I know as a matter of fact... Anyway, I'm a slightly altered person, I'd like to believe... not better, but altered...

Although the events leading up to that afternoon were baffling enough...and I'd say, almost a fitting prologue to my out and out psychopathic killer character...

I set a woman's head on fire.
At church... yes, at the holy abode of the Mother of the Infant Messiah, my evil, evil subconscious acted up...
Note 'Subconscious'.

It was quite an innocent accident, if you'd like to believe my saying that...
Me, devoutly praying with a burning candle in my hand, eyes tightly shut in reverence did not expect anything but the Light of the Almighty, leave alone a blaze right in front of my face fueled by a woman's thick curly head of hair...
The woman in her zealous prayer had backed up a little too much, right into my candle.
but I did manage to put the fire out in between giggles , sincere apologies and bursts of laughter and save most of her locks... I half expected to be taken at task and be beaten up by the crowd but that did not stop me from enjoying and taking pleasure in the fact that I set somebody's head on fire... that's the pitchfork wielder in me... Quite a feat... Can cross THAT off my list now...

Hey, I'm sorry for the woman, and I apologize sincerely for my reckless act of candle flailing(although I held it quite straight)...but that wasn't something I planned... which blots out much of the sick sadistic glory I felt...

Now that I look at the cycle of events... Its just been sweet justice... sweet for who, I don't know... but Its been quite something...except for the woman I'm sure... Reinforcement of the maxim, As You Sow, So Shall You Reap... What Goes Around, Comes Around... Cry Me A River... and everything Justin Timberlakesque... Yes, I believe him.

DbEeStErCaRyAaTloN

9,46,08,000 Seconds in pain, ectasy and restlessness...

15,76,800 Minutes of sorrow, selflessness and desolution...

26,280 Hours of silence, hope and oblivion...

1,095 Days of hate, sacrifice and tears...

156 Weeks of agony, joy, acceptance and expectations...

36 Months of anger, hunger, anticipation, rejection, deliberation and satisfaction...

3 Years in Love.

Living with a beating heart which beats not to keep you alive but for a whole different reason...
How Ever unworthy the reason may be... Love that might seem wasted...but was not,will never be..

Torn to death a million times with the realisation of the futility of your situation... But every shred of you is alive... scattered, but alive... Alive because you are aware... Aware of how you adore him with all your being... ''I'' doesn't exist anymore... "I" does all for him... "I'' don't want anything but his happiness, as "I" can't have him...

To dissolve oneself to the consistency of the Elixir that flows forever in the name of Life...
You didn't know You were capable of so much Love... You're amazed by your immense capacity to Love and to give so much off of you that you are just a hollow but yet so full and complete..

Suddenly you find yourself... you feel yourself coming together in his arms... you are whole again! just to melt away again in his careless hold... Your fingers meshed and hand entangled with his, you can't tell one from the other's... total submission to that one moment when you feel all the trials and the countless little heartbreaks were in waiting for this acknowledgement...

When the entire universe seems to be tiptoeing around you, to let you have your moment of Absolution...of silence, of belonging, of contentment...

The moment passed and you are left with just the feeling of whether it was or was not... Were you dreaming or were you dreaming...

You probably were dreaming...because you are again left with the hollow filled with your futile Love and emptiness. And the futility of it all makes you want to burst out with laughter...venom...tears...laughter...blood...life...laughter...death... survival...laughter...

The Backstage...26/11/2007

Sitting in the solidity of absolute darkness... I wonder if I should be Breathing...
I feel the heaviness around me...Moving even one muscle would mean crashing mercilessly against a rock that you're set in...
Like you're one with the dense overpowering engulfing absence of matter and light...Quite ironic though,because you ARE the matter... the presence of matter is so omnious that the concept of it would be ridiculous.
Imagine a Giant hand dropped you into a bowl of liquid jelly mixture like in one of those unnecessarily,pointless violent depictions in shows like Tom and Jerry...and its been hours in the freezer... the only difference being, there is no flexibility. You can't wobble like you would if you were inside set jelly- Mango flavoured,bright yellow[Sllurrrrp...]...
No movement,
No fun,
No sensation,
No perception,
No Colour.

"I am the way into the City of Woe
I am the way to a Forsaken People
I am the way into Eternal Sorrow
Sacred justice moved my Architect
I was raised here by
Divine Omnipotence
Primordial Love and
Ultimate Intellect
Only those elements
Time cannot wear
Were made before me
and Beyond time I stand
Abandon all hope
Ye who enter here"

A certain gentleman called Dante Alighieri called my attention to something that was niggling in the back of my head with the verse or 'Canto',we may call it, that follows this magnificient introduction soliloqui as if it were,of a personified Hell. This is what the sign on the Gates of Hell proclaims.
Well,after attributing the brilliance of Hell to myself in my oft surfacing grandiose illusions, contemplating on the imagery, admiring the simplicity,the niggling thought in my head found a statement...more like a word...
Mediocrity.

If one were to read the Third Canto or Division of 'The Inferno' from Dante's Epic poem, 'The Divine Comedy' , the ultimate definition and consequence of mediocrity can be found. Consequence, I say because the concept of hell is Payback afterall... and its through the eyes of an Eleventh century devout Roman Aristrocrat taking a guided tour of hell,quite progressive for his time really...( or have we regressed?). Whatever the case might be...we are still on the same page,him and I...

This particular part of the poem speaks about the Vestibule to Hell... the entrance...not really the real realm of Hell,where the Opportunists,those who were only for themselves in life...neither good nor evil or what I would equate to being mediocre,are the first souls in torment.

In Dante's scheme, the punishment matches the sin.These souls took no sides with good or evil,so they in turn are given no real place in the afterlife.. the Dilly-Dallying angels who took no sides when Lucifer attempted to take over are also found here... The fate awarded to them is that they "chase a wavering banner while swarms of Hornets sting them as they run over a maggot-covered ground"...
Ha..Ha.. that should be funny...! pardon me but the one thing that ticks me off is mediocrity... and the fact that it makes itself apparent in me sometimes...
Take a stand in life! You are either In or Out.. Are or Not... being on the threshold isn't much fun...with all the balancing you'll have to do...especially with things like giving El Diablo a hand or decisions about people in your life or what You want...and hanging others' lives in the balance isn't the most contributing to their lives...
Although my take on mediocrity is more earthly relevant, I'm all thumbs to Dante darling...
Your fate is funny Mediocrity...Can't help laughing my guts out...
You can hang around without an identity,belonging nowhere...
I'm off to the Seventh Level of Hell-The Circle of the Violent...

Fantastical...?! Truth...?! Stupidity...?! Viewpoint...

The three wheeler might as well have been a Pumpkin...
I step out with as much grace my borrowed-from-my-best friend-weighing-almost-a-tonne skirt would allow...
My heart sinks for that fraction of a second as I see the crowd...the queue... it covered most of the service road... I feel almost all of those in-queue eyes on me... I thank the kind three wheeler charioteer and turn to all those pale oblongs directed at me...
I now have to walk past and enter my destined architectural structure (quite filled with flaws,I should say...but beautiful to me nonetheless).
Did those gentlemen just now step aside and make way for me? Woah...! this feels nice... I am the centre of attention... in every sense... wait a second... am I having an out of body experience...this doesn't feel real... it isn't...my clumsy self comes back to me when I Almost trip and fall flat on my face just at the main entrance... okay this is Real... I manage to keep my balance on what felt like twelve story high heels...
I atlast find friendly familiar faces...some surprised,some amused,some indifferent, others curious,some ignoring owing to an unnecessary argument the previous night... Oh,I do a mean Ignoring act as well,you see...:)
Festivities are underway...
Well,it was all too good to be true...
Things are not always picture perfect unless a conscious,detailed effort is made or your little winged Fairy God Mother has the time to flutter around you making sure nothing goes wrong...
But as luck would have it...just on that darn day,mine had to leave town to attend the christening of Briar Rose-Sleeping Beauty to everyone else...
Yes...near disaster strikes... the elastic on the wonderful skirt snaps...! like it couldn't bear the burden of all that attention it was receiving...
FGM should have left some charm behind...No one notices the wardrobe malfunction,thankfully...
Then the prior,famously established example of Ms.Liz Hurley,I follow...Yes! Steel Safety pins to the Rescue...
And at long last to give the act a completion... I have to leave ...in a hurry... my Carriage is nowhere to be seen...(you see I have to hire one on the spot and to find one is quite a task) But wait! my dance...with the Prince...?!
There is no Prince... Decided not to show up,I guess...
Oh,this setting doesn't have a Prince... Its all about me... (yes,my humility sky scrapes...Deal with it)
I do get my dance...With what looked like a Court Jester or a victim of race confusion,with his face painted black and white,just now escaped from the sets of a Clint Eastwood western...but as long as I get my proverbial Dance,I Don't care...like I ever have...nevertheless,We(I) were the cynosure...swaying and twirling to Italian Opera Ariyas...
Bows taken...
Applause graciously accepted...
Exhilaration experienced...
It felt good.
Oh,MyWord! Its late!
I lift my skirt to allow me to run and I make a hurried Exit...stepping out in the dark spraying rain... amongst pillars and circles of fire,flaring...sometimes playful,sometimes angry and to rhythmic beats of the Djembe, imitating,giving a perfect compliment to my running,escaping feet...
No...I do not leave a slipper behind.

Stupidity and I

Duffer,Imbecile,Thick,Airhead,Asinine,Ass,Berk,Birdbrain,Blockhead,Bloomer,Bonehead are just a few of the alternatives the Oxford Dictionary has for the word Stupid, and I sometimes think another one would be soon added to the list and that'd be My Name...

A friend very amusingly put it once, that if I hadn't done anything Stupid,then I hadn't woken up that day...

Then again different people have different standards and ideas of what is Stupid... For some even a teeny weeny bit of attention drawing activity would qualify as stupid... well, by those standards I am stupid alright...!

Others are thick skinned and the sense of stupidity doesn't penetrate as easily. Then there's me...I'd call myself "Enlightenedly liberated"...not foolish or stupid... Of course who'd want to call themselves stupid,right?

I just have this inherent talent of doing things my way which might, most of the time look like I've left the working parts of my brain in a jar in the bathroom,which is by the way where I spend most of my time...talk about being left alone... anyway,getting back to my displaced energies, hugging random actors and telling them you're almost in Love with them, Getting locked out of your house thirty minutes after a new day has begun and being stranded on the streets,booking tables at a fancy restaurant with your stuffed toy's name,breaking into an overdramatic piece of a Manmohan Desai's Maa Routine, just to piss your companion off in the middle of a crowded Mall flailing hands et al or better still a Song and dance in the middle of a street...Getting your hair singed every morning because you like watching the milk on the stove boil over or tea brew...or,getting your already unmanageable tresses so impossibly entangled in a hair brush that you have to Chop a chunk of your hair off! Dancing with a clown in the middle of a respectable gathering,and of course being so considerate as to never forgetting to feed your clothes even if you went hungry... The list could go on forever and there might be several words for its contents but I stick with Enlightenedly Liberated...because no one could pull off all that and be proud of it...and with Style...

Good Lord! I give myself too much credit...but what the hell, Its from Me to Me and Virtually.. so it doesn' t count...almost...

Errrrrrr.....

And thus I begin...atlast
After a lot of hesitation...doubt...and deletions...
"Why would anyone care what I had to say in this ever growing elastic virtual Universe?" I thought... What difference would a few delusional remarks by a dangerously uncertain certain individual make,apart from taking up oh-so-precious space... {pun intended..(oh that's a good one...proud of me ):p}
But then,does anyone care what I have to say in this unfathomably vast, ruthlessly expanding,taffyous Multiverse...?
Maybe not, maybe they do...
But mostly, I know they do...
Well,I've survived the Real thing, So a little harmless blabbering on an almost magical medium wouldn't hurt,would it... And well, even if it did...something good will definitely come out of it...that's what always happens (and I'm sincerely hoping it will, in this case too...) and then again I don't care...
And I wouldn't pass up on an opportunity at making myself heard and grabbing attention,now would I?
No...I Wouldn't.
And thus I began...

What it is,that is...

I am a dreamer,a thinker, a speculative philosopher...or as some people would have it, an idiot... I'm always lost in a world of my own, which is quite fascinating...what with my wierd and colourful imagination,it can be nothing less than fascinating... I am as confused as Fred Flintstone would be in the middle of a Beyblade battle...perpetually so... I'm a diehard optimist and a hopeless romantic... would rather spend most of my day looking at the sky than do anything else at all... (apart from eating)... I am a very happy person...happy being lazy...and making everyone around me as happy,which backfires more often than not with people getting extremely annoyed with my Dharmendra imitations,Jai-Veeru dialogues and me suddenly breaking into situational songs...I unwaveringly believe in Fairy Tales and that goodness will eventually be rewarded... So if I am selfless, sacrificing and extremely nice to people (:p yeah, right!) its only for the 'Happily Ever After' that I'm aiming for...