Rantings of a Fool...

It’s easy to wander off... sometimes... but sometimes you just can’t do it... but this time, I needed a crowd so bad to be by myself that I wandered off as if in a trance... with the skin off my eye almost peeling off and too much light entering, I could hardly keep my eyes open... my stomach in a mess with ten days of compulsive tea drinking and not having had anything to eat... I wandered off escaping my ‘duties’ to the rest of the world...

Haven’t been able to be myself, by myself for a while... been strangely content and happy in normal terms... not much to complain a propos, nothing to mope about, nothing to shut myself from the world for... had someone who seemed to care... someone to be with... Not a nice feeling if you are me... I’m like the mythical dragon of good and evil... one part must lie dormant for the other to live... Both are me... extremely happy, optimistic, cheerful, lively and dark, brooding, hateful, depressed, lonely... I may choose but I may not always be at ease... human nature manifests itself twistedly...

Found myself at the ticket counter at the movies... a little too late... all movies had begun... the least I had missed of were the X-files and an obscure one I hadn’t heard of... I had to decide in which dark hall did I want to hide myself... picked it off the top of my head...
It felt good... to be going to watch a movie by myself... again, after a long time... no one you are with, no obligation to anyone... you can watch what you want and like it without feeling guilty for either having picked the movie or pulling yourself through something you don’t want to watch...
By myself... I like me by myself...

No one to make small talk with, no dumbass that doesn’t get the joke, no comments to be put up with, no one to jolt you out of the happy numb place a good tryst with polyester celluloid puts you in...

I enter the dark hall following a circle of torch light. A shocking divine pair of the brightest pair of cobalt blue eyes on a very human Daniel Craig is what I see first... and after it frame after frame of an endless ocean in all its emptyness and Blues skirting the story in so many layers that you forget that the sea is just a location setting...

I have this ambiguous talent of driving people away...far away... from me just when I begin to see them as good friends... it must be that... me starting to open up and the sight of the real me must be so ugly underneath all the independence, the quirkiness, the fun, smart exterior that people just bolt... funnily the bolters are always those who have professed their undying, unending Love to me, platonic and otherwise and how they think what an amazing person I am and how they have never met anyone like me... one leaves, another comes... like clockwork... at this rate I reckon i’ll have circumnavigated the world by the time I’m 50 with the people I’ve repulsed...

The boy looked so darn familiar... He looked so much like Him. The only difference being this one was blonde and Much cuter but with the same cocky innocence and blankness I first knew him by... it could be the maternal instinct that both him and the boy on screen evoke that gives me a sense of resemblance... leopard print fur jacket, blue eyeshadow, gelled hair standing on their end in a swipe, snapping his fingers, swaying singing the chorus, “When you were young” pretending to be Andy while she danced next to him as Bryan... I weep... The song, the image of something gone by... so precious, two young people who could’ve been, of happiness, of incorruptibility, of contentment, of being what you believe, what you want to be, of nostalgia... I weep... I smile through it... could hear something break deep inside my aortic pump...

Must be the feeling of an independent me that’s so strongly appealing to me that sub conciously I want everyone to leave....sometimes conciously as well... I’m actually relieved when someone stops talking to me... like I’ve been unburdened of the responsibility of being a friend, good, accountable and tied down by this identity of being a certain individual’s friend... the feeling of relief that washes over you when you realise you’re alone again is unbelievable... great, but shortlived... but oh, it’s real...

I am in Love... with the state of being me... whatever I am feeling...its me... I Love the movie... must be the state I’m in... but somethings make a certain impression only at certain times... I may not have felt the same way about it if I had seen it at any other time...I’m glad I did when and how I did... Makes me so emotional, so sad...I don’t want to let go, don’t want to be happy anymore... I’m happy being sad...Maybe that’s all I need.

I saw him again...Sitting where we always sat together... but this time I'm not next to him... wanted to cling to him and never let go... that would’ve made me happy and we can’t have that kinda thing happening now, can we?

HypothalamicTrappings

"Please! Can I Love you? Not like I'll stop loving you overnight, but I could work it slowly out of my system!

I'll love you come what may!

Even if you hate me!"

Promises of loving you forever, being there forever, holding your hand at all times... Promises... Those you believed...

But forever came too quickly...

Forever was when you didn't live up to his principles, his idea of ethics...

Forever was when you laughed at one of his delusional ideas purely out of lack of expressions or because you actually thought it was ridiculously funny...

Forever was when you disagreed...

Forever was when you were yourself...

Forever was when you weren't perfect.

Forever was too short...

A million 'forevers' in a lifetime

Heartchipped a million times, not heartbroken because you're too strong and ready to give off another chip to another disappoinment, another failure, another broken promise...

It was surreal when he appreciated the way you did things, admired who you were, heaped praises on your crappy hand-writing, criticized you and your egotistical self didn't mind, held up a mirror to you and for the first time you looked into yourself and didn't hide and slink away... Shared his secrets, his unusual ideas, talked to you about things he was passionate about with so much zest and animation... Lay his self wide open for you to look into another life...

You wouldn't believe how somebody could make you feel like the Sun of the system, how you finally found a Friend! With no prefixes or suffixes...

How you knew, how previleged you were to have this, share this relationship with another human being... not a boy or a girl, but a person...

How you hesitated, unbelievingly, searching for motive, cynically at first because this was the first time you received that much attention...

How you felt worthy, finally...

You finally stated giving in and opening up.

Because you knew it was different...

Different because it was true

And you believed everything he said like you always had and ended up with just another jolting reality of hollow words.

But you trusted this time because you knew it was different...

It Evidently wasn't...

Forever was too short and it came too quickly.

I repulse myself...

I wish I wouldn't judge judgment.

The First Time I Flew...

Remember the time when Ross dashed off to the airport to tell Rachel that he Loved her... or When Jim Carrey did the whole Mega airport protocol breach Climax song and dance in Liar Liar to get his wife and son back... or the time when Shahrukh Khan makes that heart wrenching speech just when Rani Mukherjee is all the set to go away forever...

...or the more recent Imran Khan-Genelia caper with the entire security running helter-skelter holding everything and everyone up...?

It has always been extremely fascinating to me, the glamour of the whole airport experience coupled with the tension, the invariable businesslike sterness of everyone at the airport juxtaposed with romance of flying miles away and the ever pining Love which will always win...

Yes, the hopeless romantic that I am, I always wished a take-off would get held up for me, the security would be breached and torn through for me and at the end of the whole spectacle, a round of applause from the by-standers amidst tears, relief and laughter...

I could write a very sincere second rate romantic movie...

Hmmm...

Anyway, the first time I entered an airport as a passenger, or rather "a guest" as my airline preferred to refer to us as, the possibility of anything exciting and romantic seemed remote... With the flight late by over 30 minutes one early December morning, I had to settle into one of the chairs in the waiting area incharge of my luggage as well as my father's while he went away hunting for something to occupy/entertain him...and he sure does have a talent to generate entertainment, which is a whole different blog all together...rather a book...

So, I'm sitting there, looking at the skies which decided to have some clouds over just that day after over two perfectly clear scorching weeks and also at the family with the troublesome kid, the young couple, the old gentleman catching up on the news while the lady is trying to set her strappy grandson's wildly curly hair straight with him nodding in sleep every once in a while, along with keeping an eye out for my father so he won't do anything embarrasing, while managing to read a couple of pages of the bulky book I was lugging around, when something struck me... the airline that my father and I were travelling by, of course had very well turned out women in bright eye catching uniforms as hostesses, but the men they employed were strikingly goodlooking as well... Right from the man at the gate who helped me unload the luggage from the taxi to the pilot of the aircraft... The women seemed to have been created at an assembly line with identical heights, hair-length, complexion or maybe it was just my imagination although I didn't care much for the women, the men held most of my attention...I swing that way, you see...

Finally after around an hour of more delays and announcements, we were ready to board... I walk through what seemed like a ceremonial canopy towards the tarmac, stopping to stare up at pleasant handsome faces while going through the formalities and procedures of getting into my first plane ride...

I climbed into the bright red bus taking us to the aircraft, clutching my boarding pass in one hand and my bag in the other, I take one of the few empty seats next to my father, when suddenly my father realises a good friend of his is on the bus, about to board the same flight as us... So, like any well-behaved child, I gave my seat up to the elderly gentleman.

In the scramble to get up, I shoved my boarding pass in to my bag carelessly and frankly didn't think the boarding pass had much to do after I'd gotten this far... I was wrong... I didn't realise you needed it to 'Board' the plane... so I'm trotting off when another of the extremely goodlooking employees I was earlier talking of, asked me for my boarding pass and I didn't have it... And I couldn't find it!

"Oh! You need that?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"I got past the security and everything. That man at the entrance checked it"

"But I'll need to see it now, to board you"

"I can't find it now! I think I've lost it! I had it a minute ago! It was just here!"

Here I'm starting to panic... What if they don't let me on the plane? Will my father leave me behind?

I was more worried about my father's wrath than anything else...

I thought I'd dropped it on the coach, or worse, on the tarmac...

The next moment the tarmac is swarming with security men, flight attendants, cleaners, all the help they could find to look for my elusive boarding pass... with the real cute security incharge barking instructions in code into his wireless set, the crew in readiness, the entire flight is kept waiting just because of tiny me...

The flight attendants taut with tension, sweating buckets, on the brink of breaking into tears, trying to confirm that I Was on the list, yelling Lima-Echo-Kilo-Hotel-Alpha into his handset was just too exciting for me... I stood there enjoying the show, grinning and giggling away, while my father, thoroughly embarrassed was utterly clueless for once!

After scrouging through every place I'd stepped foot on in the airport, a defeated FA asked me to check one more time in my bag... So, there I am with the contents of my bag, which consisted of months old coffee bills, chocolate wrappers, used face tissue(I do not like to litter), flowers from temples, candles, et cetera spilled on the tarmac me squatting next to it and rummaging through it, as you often will see me if you know me... Resigning myself to the premise that the Pass was one of those things which mysteriously disappear never to be found again, I prepare myself to be denied my first flight and more than a earful from my father, when I flipped through my book one last time... and There It Was!

With Surprising nonchalance I flicked it out, "Oh, Here it is..." and handed it to the by now very exhausted flight security incharge... I looked into his brown eyes which could have turned me to cinders if his job didn't require him to be polite to me... With obvious effort he gave me a smile and led me into the aircraft where strangely I was expecting a big round of applause by the rest of the waiting passengers as I walked down the aisle to my seat...

It was one beautiful experience for me soar above the city, and watch my shadow cast way down below on the changing landscape...

Although I had to face much embarrassment at the hands of my father and brother who take far too much pleasure in pulling my leg and put up with being called "Boarding Pass" for several weeks thereafter, I believe I had my moment in the airport... the one I was so fascinated with...Not in the same way that I would've liked it to be... But I still did have my very memorable yet embarrassing "15 seconds of fame" (rather undue attention) story... :)

Hunger... Something that governs more or less everything... More, than less...

Effects everyone... probably except Baba Ramdev and his kind... Affects everything... of course keeping in mind the various forms of hunger, not just the base one in relation to the complicated system involved with the functioning of the human body... which was what I was a victim of last night...like most nights... and days... and afternoons... and evenings... dawn, dusk, twilight, midnight, you know the vein...

But being indulgent and proportionately lazy, I decided to fall back on the one of the popular consumerist invaders of the Indian food culture... Home Delivered Pizza... Although a big fan of anything with cheese (Even Shahrukh Khan dancing to promote his band of golden helmetted warriors) the Indianised versions of the Italian eat do seem a bit dubious and over ambitious, but whatever... If it can be eaten, then I eat.

I have ordered Pizzas before... I'm sure two sixth of urban population has ordered a pizza over the phone... And I believe I am quite proficient at this business of ordering for stuff- not that I'm spoilt, keeping the fact aside, even If I am. But this one pizza , made me earn it...

No... Its no longer as easy as picking up your phone, dialing a number and asking the polite stranger at the other end to send some life sustaining food and beverages to your doorstep... No it isn't, as I found out for myself... You have to be prepared for a deluge of pleasantaries and other lines learnt by heart and shot off at you at speeds MIGS will have to reckon with... Quite bewildering... enough to make you forget what you were making the call for... If that wasn't enough you have to deal with questions that seem obscenely personal, bombarded at you in a very indifferent manner, but then you realise its just an appropriately food related question which sounded wierd just because all your attention wasn't directed at the one point of concentration- the painfully polite person, following his training and rattling off amusingly flowery small talk, in the tone of the Impaled in a hurry to give up on Life...

Sometimes I'm lost for words... I don't know whom to pity... The order-taker, Me, my poor rumbling stomach or the neighbour I see drying clothes through the window...

It took me 9 minutes to place one order... While another person could've done it nine times over in the same amount of time... Is it a shortcoming on my part? I don't know... but the "event" did have me pulling my wavy locks off in frustration... yes... it was frustrating enough for me to blog about it... Funnily enough, a customer care personnel called me a moment ago to enquire about my Pizza experience... If only you knew, woman...

You know what else is Blog worthy...?

A strange request... A very, Very Strange request... From a member of the kind of Adam... For a curious article of feminine use... Not even a transvestite could want it... or need it... and I thought I knew him very well and nothing about him could surprise me anymore... You can't trust anything anymore and I'm not one to prod... Hell, if I could spend this much time over an epic order for pizza, then I'm no one to have problems with anyone else's quirkiness... or maybe he was just stashing away for a lady friend on a rainy day... I would say, that's very considerate... But I'm extremely amused... at the embarrasment I can cause just by the default of belonging to a sex.

And I have my own bone to pick with the service industry, which isn't making my life as easy as it evidently intends to...It just adds to the troubles of life... amusing, new, intriguing ones...

Yesterday, I watched a movie.

A Momentous, monumental, memorable movie... (pardon the mediocre misplaced mindless, needless superfluous alliteration-here I am trying to sound smart, although I do know what Superfluous means)

It was called 'The Awakening' and awaken me, it did and quite effectively too, to the vast possibilities and immense power of the media of celluloid.

Possibilities and Power of entertainment, education and irony... unexpected but very plausible...

Entertainment I did find in the most unlikely fashion and maybe a better person would be a teeny weeny bit ashamed, but I'm not that better person and I'll tell you its quite an entertaining, if not extremely tough and thus admirable job to keep you laughing through 130 minutes and for the next two weeks, with of course hospitalization because of internal lacerations from broken ribs.

Its amazing how anyone can get away with any kind of sub-standard dung with money and connections... and of course the necessary tools... but I think this venture had purpose, a cause, maybe some kind of good intentions.... but still good intentions can't buy you pardon for wasting precious film reel... There have been other ventures that I know of, undertaken just on a whim of some rich kid who wanted to do something just because he/she could with all the money that had been weighing them down... Yes, the world is plagued with talentless wretches and also with talented wretches who won't do anything with what they have just because they have been waiting for the right opportunity, or believe some thing's been holding them back... I know such people too... I live with one...

Although, I'm not advocating anyone, but from personal experience, I can say that talent depends a lot on the economic aspect of the individual to gain exposure and acceptance and be appreciated... Poor quality also happens to tag along a beginning talent. This of course being on the external technical side...like a movie which has been a pauper's dream, a talented pauper at that... Okay ... now I am advocating and taking sides... its only because I cannot afford to be impartial at this juncture, on this topic... although I can be, (I'll be anything you want me to be and convincingly)
I choose not to.... I have too much of the 'common man' in me and am a tad bit too emotional for that...

If only vision and talent could be Willed to you by your Grandfather and the family attorney could get it to you without it having to go through the escrow...

Still... That was one of the best movie experiences I've had... Made me think a lot and laugh a lot more... :)

Criminal Instincts

April 5, 2008

Violence found a curious and unlikely expression in me...

I threatened my doctor today... with homicide...

Yeah...but there wasn't much of a hint of terror than a minor change in the setting of his eye brows. They went from severely knotted to slightly knotted... you'd think he got such agitated patients and threats everyday... but have to hand it to the man for keeping his cool and having a li'l chat with me... at the end of it, all that feeling of confused anger, guilt and violence was Justified and I finally felt good about it... Yes, good about wanting to kill somebody... violently... giving them a bloody end...bludgeoning them to death... This is a warning to everyone... DO NOT PISS ME OFF.
Of course the incident which made my 'Hulk' emerge was not a trivial one... it isn't easy to have tubes going in and out of you and keeping up a calm and relaxed countenance... I'm only human after all. Although I had turned into something other than a fully evolved human being for a period of a day or two, I'm happy I went through that... I found me telling myself that this could possibly be the worst thing to happen to me... and I don't need to fear anything... but then I realised Life has a lot more to offer, there might be worse things out there...there are...I know as a matter of fact... Anyway, I'm a slightly altered person, I'd like to believe... not better, but altered...

Although the events leading up to that afternoon were baffling enough...and I'd say, almost a fitting prologue to my out and out psychopathic killer character...

I set a woman's head on fire.
At church... yes, at the holy abode of the Mother of the Infant Messiah, my evil, evil subconscious acted up...
Note 'Subconscious'.

It was quite an innocent accident, if you'd like to believe my saying that...
Me, devoutly praying with a burning candle in my hand, eyes tightly shut in reverence did not expect anything but the Light of the Almighty, leave alone a blaze right in front of my face fueled by a woman's thick curly head of hair...
The woman in her zealous prayer had backed up a little too much, right into my candle.
but I did manage to put the fire out in between giggles , sincere apologies and bursts of laughter and save most of her locks... I half expected to be taken at task and be beaten up by the crowd but that did not stop me from enjoying and taking pleasure in the fact that I set somebody's head on fire... that's the pitchfork wielder in me... Quite a feat... Can cross THAT off my list now...

Hey, I'm sorry for the woman, and I apologize sincerely for my reckless act of candle flailing(although I held it quite straight)...but that wasn't something I planned... which blots out much of the sick sadistic glory I felt...

Now that I look at the cycle of events... Its just been sweet justice... sweet for who, I don't know... but Its been quite something...except for the woman I'm sure... Reinforcement of the maxim, As You Sow, So Shall You Reap... What Goes Around, Comes Around... Cry Me A River... and everything Justin Timberlakesque... Yes, I believe him.

DbEeStErCaRyAaTloN