In and Out of Minds...

15 September 2009, Tuesday, 17:30

This is what happens to you when you watch amazingly cool movies one after the other and listen to Radiohead...
You have real cool potential... your cool quotient maybe super high for some pathetic low lives, dangerous for other pathetic low lives with normalcy a priority, or just plain incomprehensible for the abstractedly challenged...

But to you, you’re not abstract enough, not that much of a rebel... a were-person living on the fringes of all those worlds that you wish to be part of... problem is, there are too many of them...

One had rejected the fact that one belonged to a certain gender... tried to be as neutral as possible while not knowing exactly why... it was cool alright but it wasn’t about that... One felt it Right, so one did it... Probably helped free a few souls, inspired or just set a certain example in eternity which may or may not be cited.

Somewhere towards the end of the teens one began discovering the woman in oneself. The woman came with an instruction manual. More of a suggestion manual actually... you might want to grow your hair longer than a crew cut; you should get rid of that Neanderthal unibrow, you have big beautiful eyes, why don’t you try some Kohl...? Poor mother of mine... had no clue what had hit her... there she had a perfectly asexual child with unusual aspirations and a disgust for baby pink who she was proud of and it turned into something resembling an evolved and mutated form of the giggling neighbour girls... Nothing to be afraid of mother... I’m still Me, inside... just experimenting...

It is strange that I’m speaking in Brad Pitt’s voice in my head...

Now I know I am an Individual. I do not need a tag... I can let go of the long wavy hair that I was getting so possessive about... I do not need to be what I should be...
Is what’s inside really all that matters?

Let’s experiment...

For several years, these long dark wavy strands of protein have been skirting the periphery of my vision... they are quite a bother, frankly but I Love them... but the thing about these long dark wavy strands of protein is that they grow back...

Within the past twenty four hours I’ve watched two very cool mind numbing movies about two men who played themselves into an endless merry go round of things too twisted to fathom...minds made them believe things that didn’t exist...their own minds... funny I should pick these two movies out of tens of others...uncannily resemble each other to an extent that one doubts co-incidences... reminds me of what I thought I was capable of at one time...

Revisitations...

Puts me in a state of mind that I can’t explain... happens once in a while... things have snapped me out of this blissfully semi numb, semi sense-overload state to my mundane self, solving problems, having conversations, answering a phone call, replying, listening, reading a message – *CALLS to Maharashtra & Goa @ just 50p* festive season offer valid for 30 days HURRY –

I’m not mad at these distractions... somehow today I’ve learned to get back to my blissful state... yes, Its slightly altered but that’s the process of being... changing and evolving... I like it...
Seems like I’ve lived a long time... a little over two decades... and I have a long long time to live... I will be altered, evolved; I’ll still be Me inside...

I have been docile too long... could find myself under all this dark, wavy strands of protein...

19:00

All cleaned up... dripping water everywhere...
The little yellow handled pair of Cartini scissors that I so cherish cutting shapes with... hope it’s up for the job... its blunt from use... it is very small, the blades just an inch and a half long...

Rapunzel... Rapunzel... Let down your Hair...

I feel tremors in my hands... must be the adrenalin... I can hear myself breathe loudly, my heart ounding,,,the mundane conversation of two housewives downstairs... can hardly type... makking so many mistakes...

Snip... Snip...

It is not as easy as I thought... it’s like hacking away at hard wood timber... it is too much for my little pair of yellow scissors... it is messy, looks like a mistake, but I persist... I can slowly feel it rising inside me... a strange glowing ecstasy...finally the severed pony tail falls to the ground... it has a red string tied keeping it together...

I’m shaking all over as I pick it up and feel this part of me...fresh, moist smelling of some fruit...I feel good...I look in the mirror, I don’t look too bad... I’m happy...

Freedom at last... from this thing I had gotten into my head to do... Now I only have to clean up this mess...
My silver anklet just broke...