It’s easy to wander off... sometimes... but sometimes you just can’t do it... but this time, I needed a crowd so bad to be by myself that I wandered off as if in a trance... with the skin off my eye almost peeling off and too much light entering, I could hardly keep my eyes open... my stomach in a mess with ten days of compulsive tea drinking and not having had anything to eat... I wandered off escaping my ‘duties’ to the rest of the world...
Haven’t been able to be myself, by myself for a while... been strangely content and happy in normal terms... not much to complain a propos, nothing to mope about, nothing to shut myself from the world for... had someone who seemed to care... someone to be with... Not a nice feeling if you are me... I’m like the mythical dragon of good and evil... one part must lie dormant for the other to live... Both are me... extremely happy, optimistic, cheerful, lively and dark, brooding, hateful, depressed, lonely... I may choose but I may not always be at ease... human nature manifests itself twistedly...
Found myself at the ticket counter at the movies... a little too late... all movies had begun... the least I had missed of were the X-files and an obscure one I hadn’t heard of... I had to decide in which dark hall did I want to hide myself... picked it off the top of my head...
It felt good... to be going to watch a movie by myself... again, after a long time... no one you are with, no obligation to anyone... you can watch what you want and like it without feeling guilty for either having picked the movie or pulling yourself through something you don’t want to watch...
By myself... I like me by myself...
No one to make small talk with, no dumbass that doesn’t get the joke, no comments to be put up with, no one to jolt you out of the happy numb place a good tryst with polyester celluloid puts you in...
I enter the dark hall following a circle of torch light. A shocking divine pair of the brightest pair of cobalt blue eyes on a very human Daniel Craig is what I see first... and after it frame after frame of an endless ocean in all its emptyness and Blues skirting the story in so many layers that you forget that the sea is just a location setting...
I have this ambiguous talent of driving people away...far away... from me just when I begin to see them as good friends... it must be that... me starting to open up and the sight of the real me must be so ugly underneath all the independence, the quirkiness, the fun, smart exterior that people just bolt... funnily the bolters are always those who have professed their undying, unending Love to me, platonic and otherwise and how they think what an amazing person I am and how they have never met anyone like me... one leaves, another comes... like clockwork... at this rate I reckon i’ll have circumnavigated the world by the time I’m 50 with the people I’ve repulsed...
The boy looked so darn familiar... He looked so much like Him. The only difference being this one was blonde and Much cuter but with the same cocky innocence and blankness I first knew him by... it could be the maternal instinct that both him and the boy on screen evoke that gives me a sense of resemblance... leopard print fur jacket, blue eyeshadow, gelled hair standing on their end in a swipe, snapping his fingers, swaying singing the chorus, “When you were young” pretending to be Andy while she danced next to him as Bryan... I weep... The song, the image of something gone by... so precious, two young people who could’ve been, of happiness, of incorruptibility, of contentment, of being what you believe, what you want to be, of nostalgia... I weep... I smile through it... could hear something break deep inside my aortic pump...
Must be the feeling of an independent me that’s so strongly appealing to me that sub conciously I want everyone to leave....sometimes conciously as well... I’m actually relieved when someone stops talking to me... like I’ve been unburdened of the responsibility of being a friend, good, accountable and tied down by this identity of being a certain individual’s friend... the feeling of relief that washes over you when you realise you’re alone again is unbelievable... great, but shortlived... but oh, it’s real...
I am in Love... with the state of being me... whatever I am feeling...its me... I Love the movie... must be the state I’m in... but somethings make a certain impression only at certain times... I may not have felt the same way about it if I had seen it at any other time...I’m glad I did when and how I did... Makes me so emotional, so sad...I don’t want to let go, don’t want to be happy anymore... I’m happy being sad...Maybe that’s all I need.
I saw him again...Sitting where we always sat together... but this time I'm not next to him... wanted to cling to him and never let go... that would’ve made me happy and we can’t have that kinda thing happening now, can we?
